Could-Have-Beens

The world is full of almosts and not-quites and could-have-beens and never-weres.

All of those moments that are threaded through each one of our lives. A mixture of near-misses and close calls, what-ifs and if-onlys. Some fleeting, gone in the blink of an eye, so you probably wouldn't even know they were there. But others... not so much.

Some of them linger, taunting you, no matter how much you try and distance yourself. But the thing is, there are some that you don't want rid of, even against your better judgement. Because they still carry with them that tiny glimmer of.. what is that?

Comfort?

Hope?

Familiarity?

Even when you think you're past it, and that you've moved on. Even when weeks, months, years have passed, there's still something about them that hangs on, even if just by a thread. And it could be said that it's because they find a way of worming their way back in. But the harsh reality is that it's all because you can't bring yourself to detach from them completely, as if you're willing them into existence. So much so that you look past how many times you've been hurt, how many times you've doubted yourself, all those pep-talks that never worked for long.

You can't help but keep hold of the possibilities. You should be distancing yourself, but you really don't want to. You like every part of the make-believe. You've become a hoarder for every little word, moment, every butterfly that floats from your belly.

You are the one doing this to yourself.

Except, by admitting that to yourself means that the daydreams, the you-never-knows and maybe-one-days become less justified. They're all false, figments of your imagination, you're feeding into your own delusions. But the dominant part of you doesn't care, because you like living in the fantasy, and what's the harm? No one needs to know.

Except that, one day, the wake-up call will come. One that there is no chance of ignoring.

It doesn't even need to be a big event, it could just be a gradual accumulation that reaches its tipping point. But it will turn the vaguely-possible into something completely out of reach. Suddenly you'll find that a 'could-be' turns into a 'never-will' at the snap of your fingers. And you'll see how vulnerable you've let yourself become.

How easily that tiny graze on your heart, that you couldn't help scratching at, can become a gaping wound. That moment of realisation, even if it's a long time coming, will sneak up on you out of nowhere and it will hurt more than you could have imagined.

Because, this time.. this is it. No coming back.

And that's why it will be a punch to the gut so hard that it makes you feel sick. It will be like all of those tiny moments of hurt that you'd felt before, and kept in a collection, have come back to hit you all at once.

Tears will overflow, a lump will form in your throat and sobs will refuse to stay quiet.

It will feel like you're grieving for something that was never even real. And that will be the worst part. You will feel ridiculous for letting yourself get to this point. Because it's not like you didn't have chance.

You are the one who did this to yourself.

Nothing and no one else deserves the blame for this. You were owed nothing.

So it's time to find that grip you've been meaning to get.

Now you have to adjust your way of thinking.

You have to reflect on the 'should-have-beens' that you'd ignored before, in favour of your idea of ideal.

You have to find a way forward into what can-be, and perhaps you'll finally let go of the dream-world you'd been drifting off to.

You had so many opportunities to do that before, but this feels like the final one. Because if you don't do it now, what chance do you have of healing properly?

You've made a fool of yourself once too often.

Now it's time to get a proper footing in real life.